oh dear future

It's been a while since I wrote my last post. Since my plan to go to Tidung Island in 4th of August became fix,  I should use my money strictly. So I kept myself from every kind of impulsivity, also I didn't hang out too much so I could save my money for the trip. Most of the time I drowned myself on my "me-time" through the holiday after I finished my internship's report . Well, I quite enjoy my "me-time" unexpectedly. There, I could think or daydreaming about everything. Then, as always, I think too much. One of my thoughts which always hit me is about future. This thought came when I heard some of my friends got internship in a good and well prospected place. I think my internship was way too far from their internship.

Oh yes, it always hit me when it's all about future, especially about work life. Imagine things that would happen in my future, it's scary. I'm 21 years old and yet I didn't know what I really want in my life. Many people expect me being a psychologist and they are more certain than me about me being a psychologist. I think it's just because now I'm studying psychology in my college. But I am not, I don't know if it is my call, do I really able being a psychologist? Do I really WANT to be a psychologist? I still don't know about it. Even worse, I still don't know what I really want, what I really love to do. I think I don't have any skill that I'm good at. Or things that I love the most. So thinking about future, it is scary. I'm afraid I won't get any job in the future because I'm not smart enough. If I get any job, I'm afraid I work in the worst place because there is no good workplace would accept me. Or if I get a job in a good workplace, I'm afraid that I become a bad employee because I couldn't do anything good or out-of-the-box thingy so I'll get fired soon. I'm afraid I won't become success and end up being poor. Yes, I'm afraid being poor, I think it is me being realistic. Money is not everything, and I'm sure that  money can't buy happiness. But money could help your life become easier, help you to do everything that you want to make. I want my family for once in their life stop worrying about money. I want them for once in their life enjoying their life. And so do I.  

I'm that pessimistic about my future. Blame my self-concept for it, although I know it is not helping. I know it is no good thinking negatively, but I couldn't help myself. It makes me tired. :((